The best sessions so far

And then there were three

Easily the best session to date was when three members of the group didn't turn up, leaving me with one person I liked and one I didn't. A little background to this blog post, the night before I had been eating an apple and got some of it stuck between my teeth. It annoyed me a bit but I was watching a film so was distracted. I figured when it came to brushing my teeth I would be able to dislodge it. I couldn't and became increasingly agitated. The harder I tried to get it out the more distressed I became when I couldn't. My intense feelings like this are usually shown through anger and I lashed out at my boyfriend. It got to the stage where I felt suicidal. I really felt like I would rather die then continue to feel the way I did. I was scared at the intensity of my feelings and realised that, despite thinking I was more 'normal' than the rest, I was still, in fact, very ill.

This was weighing heavily on my mind when I went to group the next day, but as usual during the check in I didn't say anything. The check in was quicker than usual as there was only three of us, so we moved onto the exercise. It was easily the worst one. We had to look at pictures of people and explain what we thought of their emotional state, what they thinking blah blah blah. I felt like a child at school. I could tell that the other two weren't that interested either, so, for the first time I addressed the group uninvited.

Will I get better?

I asked if I could say something off topic that had been on my mind, to which they readily agreed. I explained what had happened the night before and how irrational I knew those feelings to be. What I wanted to know was, was coming to this definitely going to help me get better? I very much did not want to feel like that anymore, or have those extreme reactions. I was desperate by this stage. I usually trusted my own feelings but this latest incident had left me worried my mental state was in decline.

I was honest, I stated that I had been thinking about dropping out. At the moment the group felt more like a hindrance than a help. But I was willing to stick it out if there was a chance it would help me.

Once I finished speaking, I apologised for the other two for talking off topic and taking up time. I was surprised by their response. Both were happy I had shared something and were pleased to be talking about something real rather than the exercise. It turned into a very frank, open discussion where we all had a chance to say something and, more importantly I felt, comment on what others were saying. The member who I thought I didn't like, turned out to have far more in common with me than I had realised. We had similar problems with our family, same sense of abandonment and same outlook on the diagnosis. I actually felt comfortable speaking and interacting with the other two. I didn't run out at the end and instead walked out with the others discussing what had just happened.

Something for the check in.

The therapist asked why I hadn't brought it up during the check in as that was exactly what it was for. I think there were a couple of reasons. As I've said previously, I like to plan out what I say before I say it. There isn't time during the check in for me to gather my thoughts quickly enough. Second, I wanted to get a sense of the room to see how susceptible they would be to me bringing it up. I didn't want to talk about it if I felt like they wouldn't care or want to listen. I fear rejection and try to avoid it at all costs. But most importantly I think I was able to bring it up because there was only three of us. I didn't feel like I was 'hogging' the floor and felt more at ease with taking up time. It got me thinking, I would get on a lot better with this group if there was only three of us all the time.

Break for the summer

This session was in stark contrast to the next session, which was the last one before the break. We were back to near full capacity which meant I was back to being silent. Immediately I felt like I didn't want to share more than was absolutely necessary.

The therapist asked how it was going and if there should be any changes to the way it's run. I couldn't bite my tongue over this and explained that more needed to be done to ensure that people weren't unfairly talking for too long. I was surprised to see most of the group agreed with me. It felt like a small moral victory, although the proof will be in Mondays pudding.

Until next time, over and out.