First two sessions back

Help or hindrance 

Oops. As warned in my first blog post, I am already falling behind and not updating this every week like I had wanted to. I have now had two sessions back since the summer break. In some ways they have been uneventful and in other ways they have been quite the opposite. I’ll only speak briefly about the first one, largely as it was over a week ago and I can’t remember but also because only one thing of great importance, to me anyway, happened. There were only 4 of us, the two people who I suspect have dropped out (one who I couldn’t stand and couldn’t be happier about and another for whom the writing was on the wall from the first session. The only one to engage even less than I did) were not in attendance.

We were told that there would be no more structure (such as there has been anyway) and began with the dreaded ‘check in’. However, before this began the therapists let I and the other guy know that we should have our individual therapists by the beginning of October. This was not welcome news. I had initially been told that it would be the beginning of September. For me, this has set the scene for the rest of my sessions. It feels to me that the people running this programme have little or no understanding of BPD. One of the feelings I struggle with the most is that of victimisation, of feeling like an outsider, like somehow, I matter a lot less than everyone else does. All this programme is doing is reinforcing this belief by having almost everyone else have an individual therapist. How cruel.

Not wanting to start back with a rant, I used my check in to voice my disgust at this latest development but ended by mentioning I had started this blog and the best thing that had happened to me over the summer (probably ever actually); moving in with my boyfriend.

This week’s session

This has probably been the worst session for me so far. Still angry about the events of last week, I arrived to my session in torrential rain. As I have previously mentioned, I find being caught in the rain far more distressing than is normal. My boots turned out to not be quite waterproof and when I put my foot in a puddle which went up to my ankle, I knew my fate was sealed for the day.

I was in a furious mood. I didn’t want to look at anyone, let alone talk to anyone. Everything everyone said annoyed and irritated me. I was the least tolerant I have been yet and had to bite my tongue not to say things which, whilst true, I would inevitably regret voicing.

I refused to participate in the check in stating I had nothing to say. One person dominated this session, which I found very difficult to deal with. All in all, it left me with over an hour to mull over why I am putting myself through this.

It turned out another member has come to the same conclusion, telling us she was leaving. I had to admit, I wasn’t overly surprised. To begin with I felt like I probably had the most in common with her, but has time has gone on, I have found I like her less and less. Her main problem is she doesn’t believe she has BPD. Although, obviously, not medically qualified, I am pretty certain she does. I feel like she is me (although to differing degrees and with different problems) a few years ago. Unwilling to admit she has a problem, very defensive when questioned and inflexible in her position.

Whilst I will not be upset at the loss of this particular individual, I find myself wondering how this group will continue. We have halved in only a few months. Whilst the best session I had was with only two other members, it does strike me that there is perhaps something wrong that so many have dropped out. I am assuming that everyone had to go through the same rigorous process I did to get in, so it seems odd that they got it so wrong with half the group.

Where does this leave me?

This leaves me with one person who I don’t mind and other person, who I can’t stand talking during session, but oddly, can have a perfectly normal conversation outside of it. I can relate to issues both of them have, so it could be worse I suppose.

Still, it has got me thinking, is this really working? It’s difficult isn't it, I went in with a preconception that it wouldn’t work, so I don't know if my thinking is prejudiced by that or whether the evidence that I have written about really shows that this format clearly doesn’t work, either for this condition OR for this group of people. I certainly feel no ‘better’ than I did when I started. If anything, I am feeling slightly more persecuted that I usually do. All the strides that I have taken towards fixing my broken mental health have definitely been achieved with my private therapist.

Yet. I will continue with it, at least for the time being. It was suggested during session this week that I was also thinking about leaving. I assured the other members that whilst I hated it and didn’t particularly like anyone there I would continue to come so long as my therapist thought it was a good idea. I told them that my particular quietness today was down to being wet and in a bad mood about that. I expected to be more vocal during my next session. I sense it will be a struggle, but then again, with only three of us perhaps I will find myself having another good session.

Until next time, over and out.