A session with a victory - and possibly a lesson

Tension

Things with the person I don’t like (who was unfortunately back) came to a head today. I am still not sure how these sessions are helping me and after today I am not sure how I can come along week in week out when I really hate this person. And after today everyone, including him, is under any illusion as to how I feel about him.

I was disappointed to see him back, so I was quieter than I had planned to be. I didn’t say anything during the check in but was probed by the therapists to expand upon what I had said last week once the session ended regarding my annoyance at the programme. I explained that I didn’t think there was much more to add and I didn’t want to take up time from the group on what I felt to be admin. They disagreed and said that it was something for the group to hear. I wont bore you with what I said, it was a longer discussion of the points I raised in my last blog. I got quite animated and it is probably the most I have spoken for a while. As is usual when I feel defensive, I became very sarcastic and I imagine quite detached.

He was sat next to me, as always, and I could feel him itching to say something. Once it was over, the conversation moved on to authority and feelings of trust. I felt I had taken up enough time plus I knew I didn’t have anything positive to say so I was quiet for the rest of the session. He simply could not let this lie and tried to ‘bring me in to the conversation’. He often assumes the role of therapist, asking people questions in his entirely arrogant manner. The way in which I refused to answer lead to a silence where it was obvious (as if it hadn’t been before) that there was a problem between us. It is the most tension I have felt since I started.

Putting words in my mouth

All session he kept referring to something I had brought up a long time ago but distorting what I had said. It got to a point where I could let it go no longer. I coolly informed him that he was misrepresenting what I had said and he needed to stop making me out to be a timid victim without a voice. If I want to talk, I will, like I have done in sessions past. Unlike him, if I don’t have anything to say, I won’t prattle on happy to hear the sound of my own voice. I have no problems speaking in session; I have a major problem with being selfish and self-centred about how much time I take up.

When I feel this way about someone, there really is no come back. It was one of the first things that struck me when I was researching about BPD. I read that once people with BPD made their mind up about someone, they became incredibly inflexible about that person and nothing could change their minds. I thought, finally, I am not the only one who feels this way. I find it practically impossible to like someone once I have decided I don’t. From then on in, everything they say and do, the looks they give, the clothes they wear, basically everything, irritates me. It is all further evidence which, to my mind, backs up why I don’t like them in the first place. Normally for me when this happens, as I have to admit does fairly often, I am able to remove myself from the situation so I no longer have to see or hear them again. With this guy, I don’t have that option and now I am panicking. Inwardly, of course.

Adrenaline rush

To the casual observer today I was in complete control and if anything, a bit bored by the whole proceedings. I didn’t raise my voice, I occasionally laughed and was, I think, quite factual in my recounting of what actually had happened and how I saw the situation. Inside, I as shaking, seething with anger and feeling a bit nervous about speaking out. I think most people who know me would be shocked by this as I think I come across as quite confrontational and as if the confrontations don’t affect me. But they do. It takes me a long time, sometimes hours, to completely calm down, although outwardly I don’t suppose people notice a difference. I was still shaking when I got on the bus to go home and it is only now that I am writing this that I feel a bit calmer. No doubt when I have to retell it to my boyfriend, I will feel a bit out of sorts again, perhaps I will just point him to this blog instead!

Whilst I was feeling nervous and panicky on the inside, there was a part of me that was glad to have finally made it clear how I feel about him. I felt it was a ‘moral victory’ especially since others spoke to me outside to concur what I had said.

A useful barometer?

It occurred to me recently that this guy may end up being the test as to whether I am getting better or not. Completely unlike me, trying to see the positive in this, I wonder if being able to tolerate him in the long run and engage with him, despite the fact that I can’t stand him, will mean I am on my way? Of course, being back to the usual negative me, I think not. Or rather, not that it won’t work but that it can’t since I can’t see a time when I WILL be able to tolerate him. I can’t even look him in the face when he is talking to me; such are my intense feelings of hatred towards him.

I can see one of two scenarios for next week’s session. The first is that he simply won’t turn up again (I can but dream) or the second is he turns up, announces he doesn’t have anything to say, is quiet for a glorious 10 minutes at most, before he then decides actually he does have something to say. I wish for the former but I know it was be the latter. Mark my words, the thing he then has to say will take up the entire session. Can’t wait.

Until next time, over and out.

First two sessions back

Help or hindrance 

Oops. As warned in my first blog post, I am already falling behind and not updating this every week like I had wanted to. I have now had two sessions back since the summer break. In some ways they have been uneventful and in other ways they have been quite the opposite. I’ll only speak briefly about the first one, largely as it was over a week ago and I can’t remember but also because only one thing of great importance, to me anyway, happened. There were only 4 of us, the two people who I suspect have dropped out (one who I couldn’t stand and couldn’t be happier about and another for whom the writing was on the wall from the first session. The only one to engage even less than I did) were not in attendance.

We were told that there would be no more structure (such as there has been anyway) and began with the dreaded ‘check in’. However, before this began the therapists let I and the other guy know that we should have our individual therapists by the beginning of October. This was not welcome news. I had initially been told that it would be the beginning of September. For me, this has set the scene for the rest of my sessions. It feels to me that the people running this programme have little or no understanding of BPD. One of the feelings I struggle with the most is that of victimisation, of feeling like an outsider, like somehow, I matter a lot less than everyone else does. All this programme is doing is reinforcing this belief by having almost everyone else have an individual therapist. How cruel.

Not wanting to start back with a rant, I used my check in to voice my disgust at this latest development but ended by mentioning I had started this blog and the best thing that had happened to me over the summer (probably ever actually); moving in with my boyfriend.

This week’s session

This has probably been the worst session for me so far. Still angry about the events of last week, I arrived to my session in torrential rain. As I have previously mentioned, I find being caught in the rain far more distressing than is normal. My boots turned out to not be quite waterproof and when I put my foot in a puddle which went up to my ankle, I knew my fate was sealed for the day.

I was in a furious mood. I didn’t want to look at anyone, let alone talk to anyone. Everything everyone said annoyed and irritated me. I was the least tolerant I have been yet and had to bite my tongue not to say things which, whilst true, I would inevitably regret voicing.

I refused to participate in the check in stating I had nothing to say. One person dominated this session, which I found very difficult to deal with. All in all, it left me with over an hour to mull over why I am putting myself through this.

It turned out another member has come to the same conclusion, telling us she was leaving. I had to admit, I wasn’t overly surprised. To begin with I felt like I probably had the most in common with her, but has time has gone on, I have found I like her less and less. Her main problem is she doesn’t believe she has BPD. Although, obviously, not medically qualified, I am pretty certain she does. I feel like she is me (although to differing degrees and with different problems) a few years ago. Unwilling to admit she has a problem, very defensive when questioned and inflexible in her position.

Whilst I will not be upset at the loss of this particular individual, I find myself wondering how this group will continue. We have halved in only a few months. Whilst the best session I had was with only two other members, it does strike me that there is perhaps something wrong that so many have dropped out. I am assuming that everyone had to go through the same rigorous process I did to get in, so it seems odd that they got it so wrong with half the group.

Where does this leave me?

This leaves me with one person who I don’t mind and other person, who I can’t stand talking during session, but oddly, can have a perfectly normal conversation outside of it. I can relate to issues both of them have, so it could be worse I suppose.

Still, it has got me thinking, is this really working? It’s difficult isn't it, I went in with a preconception that it wouldn’t work, so I don't know if my thinking is prejudiced by that or whether the evidence that I have written about really shows that this format clearly doesn’t work, either for this condition OR for this group of people. I certainly feel no ‘better’ than I did when I started. If anything, I am feeling slightly more persecuted that I usually do. All the strides that I have taken towards fixing my broken mental health have definitely been achieved with my private therapist.

Yet. I will continue with it, at least for the time being. It was suggested during session this week that I was also thinking about leaving. I assured the other members that whilst I hated it and didn’t particularly like anyone there I would continue to come so long as my therapist thought it was a good idea. I told them that my particular quietness today was down to being wet and in a bad mood about that. I expected to be more vocal during my next session. I sense it will be a struggle, but then again, with only three of us perhaps I will find myself having another good session.

Until next time, over and out.

The best sessions so far

And then there were three

Easily the best session to date was when three members of the group didn't turn up, leaving me with one person I liked and one I didn't. A little background to this blog post, the night before I had been eating an apple and got some of it stuck between my teeth. It annoyed me a bit but I was watching a film so was distracted. I figured when it came to brushing my teeth I would be able to dislodge it. I couldn't and became increasingly agitated. The harder I tried to get it out the more distressed I became when I couldn't. My intense feelings like this are usually shown through anger and I lashed out at my boyfriend. It got to the stage where I felt suicidal. I really felt like I would rather die then continue to feel the way I did. I was scared at the intensity of my feelings and realised that, despite thinking I was more 'normal' than the rest, I was still, in fact, very ill.

This was weighing heavily on my mind when I went to group the next day, but as usual during the check in I didn't say anything. The check in was quicker than usual as there was only three of us, so we moved onto the exercise. It was easily the worst one. We had to look at pictures of people and explain what we thought of their emotional state, what they thinking blah blah blah. I felt like a child at school. I could tell that the other two weren't that interested either, so, for the first time I addressed the group uninvited.

Will I get better?

I asked if I could say something off topic that had been on my mind, to which they readily agreed. I explained what had happened the night before and how irrational I knew those feelings to be. What I wanted to know was, was coming to this definitely going to help me get better? I very much did not want to feel like that anymore, or have those extreme reactions. I was desperate by this stage. I usually trusted my own feelings but this latest incident had left me worried my mental state was in decline.

I was honest, I stated that I had been thinking about dropping out. At the moment the group felt more like a hindrance than a help. But I was willing to stick it out if there was a chance it would help me.

Once I finished speaking, I apologised for the other two for talking off topic and taking up time. I was surprised by their response. Both were happy I had shared something and were pleased to be talking about something real rather than the exercise. It turned into a very frank, open discussion where we all had a chance to say something and, more importantly I felt, comment on what others were saying. The member who I thought I didn't like, turned out to have far more in common with me than I had realised. We had similar problems with our family, same sense of abandonment and same outlook on the diagnosis. I actually felt comfortable speaking and interacting with the other two. I didn't run out at the end and instead walked out with the others discussing what had just happened.

Something for the check in.

The therapist asked why I hadn't brought it up during the check in as that was exactly what it was for. I think there were a couple of reasons. As I've said previously, I like to plan out what I say before I say it. There isn't time during the check in for me to gather my thoughts quickly enough. Second, I wanted to get a sense of the room to see how susceptible they would be to me bringing it up. I didn't want to talk about it if I felt like they wouldn't care or want to listen. I fear rejection and try to avoid it at all costs. But most importantly I think I was able to bring it up because there was only three of us. I didn't feel like I was 'hogging' the floor and felt more at ease with taking up time. It got me thinking, I would get on a lot better with this group if there was only three of us all the time.

Break for the summer

This session was in stark contrast to the next session, which was the last one before the break. We were back to near full capacity which meant I was back to being silent. Immediately I felt like I didn't want to share more than was absolutely necessary.

The therapist asked how it was going and if there should be any changes to the way it's run. I couldn't bite my tongue over this and explained that more needed to be done to ensure that people weren't unfairly talking for too long. I was surprised to see most of the group agreed with me. It felt like a small moral victory, although the proof will be in Mondays pudding.

Until next time, over and out.