Tension
Things with the person I don’t like (who was unfortunately back) came to a head today. I am still not sure how these sessions are helping me and after today I am not sure how I can come along week in week out when I really hate this person. And after today everyone, including him, is under any illusion as to how I feel about him.
I was disappointed to see him back, so I was quieter than I had planned to be. I didn’t say anything during the check in but was probed by the therapists to expand upon what I had said last week once the session ended regarding my annoyance at the programme. I explained that I didn’t think there was much more to add and I didn’t want to take up time from the group on what I felt to be admin. They disagreed and said that it was something for the group to hear. I wont bore you with what I said, it was a longer discussion of the points I raised in my last blog. I got quite animated and it is probably the most I have spoken for a while. As is usual when I feel defensive, I became very sarcastic and I imagine quite detached.
He was sat next to me, as always, and I could feel him itching to say something. Once it was over, the conversation moved on to authority and feelings of trust. I felt I had taken up enough time plus I knew I didn’t have anything positive to say so I was quiet for the rest of the session. He simply could not let this lie and tried to ‘bring me in to the conversation’. He often assumes the role of therapist, asking people questions in his entirely arrogant manner. The way in which I refused to answer lead to a silence where it was obvious (as if it hadn’t been before) that there was a problem between us. It is the most tension I have felt since I started.
Putting words in my mouth
All session he kept referring to something I had brought up a long time ago but distorting what I had said. It got to a point where I could let it go no longer. I coolly informed him that he was misrepresenting what I had said and he needed to stop making me out to be a timid victim without a voice. If I want to talk, I will, like I have done in sessions past. Unlike him, if I don’t have anything to say, I won’t prattle on happy to hear the sound of my own voice. I have no problems speaking in session; I have a major problem with being selfish and self-centred about how much time I take up.
When I feel this way about someone, there really is no come back. It was one of the first things that struck me when I was researching about BPD. I read that once people with BPD made their mind up about someone, they became incredibly inflexible about that person and nothing could change their minds. I thought, finally, I am not the only one who feels this way. I find it practically impossible to like someone once I have decided I don’t. From then on in, everything they say and do, the looks they give, the clothes they wear, basically everything, irritates me. It is all further evidence which, to my mind, backs up why I don’t like them in the first place. Normally for me when this happens, as I have to admit does fairly often, I am able to remove myself from the situation so I no longer have to see or hear them again. With this guy, I don’t have that option and now I am panicking. Inwardly, of course.
Adrenaline rush
To the casual observer today I was in complete control and if anything, a bit bored by the whole proceedings. I didn’t raise my voice, I occasionally laughed and was, I think, quite factual in my recounting of what actually had happened and how I saw the situation. Inside, I as shaking, seething with anger and feeling a bit nervous about speaking out. I think most people who know me would be shocked by this as I think I come across as quite confrontational and as if the confrontations don’t affect me. But they do. It takes me a long time, sometimes hours, to completely calm down, although outwardly I don’t suppose people notice a difference. I was still shaking when I got on the bus to go home and it is only now that I am writing this that I feel a bit calmer. No doubt when I have to retell it to my boyfriend, I will feel a bit out of sorts again, perhaps I will just point him to this blog instead!
Whilst I was feeling nervous and panicky on the inside, there was a part of me that was glad to have finally made it clear how I feel about him. I felt it was a ‘moral victory’ especially since others spoke to me outside to concur what I had said.
A useful barometer?
It occurred to me recently that this guy may end up being the test as to whether I am getting better or not. Completely unlike me, trying to see the positive in this, I wonder if being able to tolerate him in the long run and engage with him, despite the fact that I can’t stand him, will mean I am on my way? Of course, being back to the usual negative me, I think not. Or rather, not that it won’t work but that it can’t since I can’t see a time when I WILL be able to tolerate him. I can’t even look him in the face when he is talking to me; such are my intense feelings of hatred towards him.
I can see one of two scenarios for next week’s session. The first is that he simply won’t turn up again (I can but dream) or the second is he turns up, announces he doesn’t have anything to say, is quiet for a glorious 10 minutes at most, before he then decides actually he does have something to say. I wish for the former but I know it was be the latter. Mark my words, the thing he then has to say will take up the entire session. Can’t wait.
Until next time, over and out.
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