A Typical Session

The beginning

There is obviously nothing such as a typical session, given the nature of what we discuss it is inevitable that each one is varied. However, there is a certain formula that each one loosely follows and whilst we may end up far away from where we started they usually begin in this way.

We go round the circle and do a 'check in' so see if anything has happened in the last week that has affected us or that we want to raise. Increasingly, this takes up almost the entire session. Some members tend to use this as their own private therapy session and will talk on and on and on. I myself take a different approach. I am still getting used to having to talk in front of other people and to be frank, I find it quite selfish and self indulgent to take up too much time. I therefore usually say very little, if anything.

At times I find myself transported back to the waiting room at the community mental health team. I sit and listen to people talk about quite serious, stressful, often hurtful things, and I struggle to emphasise. To be fair, not with everyone and as the sessions have gone on, I have found more in common with others. But there are a few who I simply don't care about. Ironically, these are the same members who tend to 'hog' the floor.

I find myself analysing the therapists as well. I notice the number of follow up questions each member gets asked, to see if it is fair. Most of the time it isn't, which greatly annoys me. I have a very strong sense of what is fair and I often find myself very irritated that the therapists do not better regulate the group. It may be that these sessions need to be less structured and more organic but as someone who loves organisation, I find this lackadaisical approach difficult to take.

The middle

We were told that for the first 8 sessions there would be an 'exercise' which would shape the session. This was to ensure that we all spoke and got used to each other. After the summer break the group are to shape the sessions but to begin with there would be a specific question which each member would have to answer.

These questions have been varied, some of them useful, some of them, frankly, not. The one I probably found the most engaging was to explain an interaction with someone else where we had to guess their motivation. I am often accused of 'mind reading' by my therapist who suggests that I never correctly guess what people are thinking or mean. I disagree. I base my decisions on past interactions, quite an evidence based approach I feel. Anyway, it was interesting to say it out loud and attempt to justify my thinking. Again, my answer compared to others made me fee slightly more 'normal'. To me, some members were very paranoid in their thinking. It got me wondering, is that how I come across to non BPD people?

The end

The end of these sessions are very odd for me. We all sit in the same seats that we chose on our first day, so I am sat fairly near the door. It feels almost like an anti climax. We spend over an hour discussing difficult issues and then once it hits 3 the therapists stop us and I immediately grab my bags and leave. There is no 'round up'. It is very unusual for someone to beat me out the door and I proceed to walk, almost run, out of the hospital. I don't want to see and definitely don't want to speak to anyone from the group.

It means I don't really have time to process what has just happened and what I said. Therefore when my boyfriend inevitably asks me, how did it go, I usually tell him I don't want to talk about it. Partly because I really don't, but also because I am not sure what to say about it. I am quite calculating in my thoughts and like to have planned out what I am going to say before I speak.

All in all, the sessions leave me in a worse mood and I often feel drained. Both emotionally and physically. I try and meet up with friends or do something nice in the evening so I have something to look forward to .

I have one more session to write about before we are 'back' to the present. My sessions start up again on Monday. I appreciate I have been a bit slack but will try and do the last one over the weekend so I am ready to start next week. Writing this blog post has been the hardest one yet, not sure why.

Until next time, over and out.