Thinking about leaving

Starting my individual sessions

It has been two sessions again since I have written anything, sorry about that. They have been a bit interesting and a bit mundane in equal parts. As the title of this blog suggests, they have also made me think, quite seriously, about leaving. But ill get to that later.

I am pleased to report that the member I don’t like did not come back after he stormed out; indeed he hasn’t been back at all. It is my gut feeling that he will not return. According to the therapists, he is thinking about ‘going private’. I have never thought this setting is right for him. Whilst he undeniably has a lot of problems, he never seemed to get the whole ‘group’ aspect and in my humble opinion, he would thrive in an environment where it is only him. Anyway, I am hopeful that this is the last time I will have to mention him on here.

Last week, I started my individual therapy sessions, a full three months after almost everyone else. I am not sure what I was expecting and I am still not sure what I think about it to be honest. It was a woman, which I was not looking forward to and I was worried that she would struggle to understand me since she is not English and I speak very fast. I hope that does not come across as xenophobic, I am certainly not.

I was also angry about the situation; starting my therapy so late and what I felt this represented. I knew that she wasn’t responsible but as the ‘face’ of the programme and my ability to irrationally apportion blame, I was concerned I would be overly angry. I was pleasantly surprised that she began by apologising, in a way that I felt was sincere. She acknowledged the programme had fucked up and she said I was well within my rights to feel angry. She was apprehensive about how I would be towards her but as it turns out, I ended up being far more rational (at least towards her) about it than I had feared.

I explained to her about my private therapist and what I felt these sessions would be about. I would continue to talk to him about the things that really mattered to me as, frankly, I trusted him with my life and I had only just met her, and would converse with her about the group. She seemed slightly taken aback by my approach (I am guessing no one else is seeing someone outside of the programme) but was very acquiescent. I assume she is trying to gain my trust. I ended up speaking a little bit about my childhood, but mainly we spoke about the group and my relationship with my boyfriend.

This week, we spoke a little bit more about my past but mainly focused on my desire to leave the group. She was very understanding about my misgivings around the group and didn’t try to persuade me to stay, or discuss it with the group, which I thought she might. The final decision will lay with my therapist (with input from my boyfriend) and I told her I would have an update next week.

 

Reason for leaving

So. in an earlier blog I stated that I would stick it out, that I was one of the only people who had been truly committed to the programme. This change in attitude may seem sudden, but it is something I have been thinking about for a while. The problem is with the other members and the therapists themselves.

There are two other members who, increasingly, I cannot bear to listen to/look at. I know, this intense reaction is part of the condition, but I am unsure of what else I can do. One member, the one whom I get along with just fine outside of the group (when we walk to the station together, there is no more contact than that) is so hard to deal with in group. He talks, a lot, incoherently and randomly a lot of the time. He cuts across other people, he doesn’t listen to advice but his worst offence is he repeats himself. He basically has one stock story (he had an interaction with someone either in the street or on public transport, which was either positive or negative) which is repeated ad nauseum. He is not interested in why these things happen to him, only in telling what has happened to him. He does not seem to be capable of reflection or self analysis nor is he willing to take it when others offer it. He listens as much as he can before either speaking over them, or completely ignoring what they have just said. It is exhausting listening to him and I am beginning to feel less empathetic towards him.

The other member is like two different people. Before the break, she engaged and was pleasant and looked like she wanted to get better. Since we have been back, she has made it clear that she doesn’t think she has any problems. She cannot relate to anything anyone says since she ‘definitely doesn’t have BPD’ and she constantly looks bored. I have found her attitude to be quite condescending, as if she is looking down on us. This is a hard programme to get into with, what I am told is, a long waiting list. I find it hard, bordering on impossible, to believe that she doesn’t have any serious mental health problems. How else would she have referred in otherwise?

I basically feel she is me from a couple of years ago. Deep down she knows that there is something wrong with her, but she pretends otherwise and insists that she has no problems and her reactions are fine. She called herself normal (I have previously listened to stories she has told us and she is not, in my opinion, normal at all) and feels that her behaviour warrants no further attention or analysis. I asked her why she kept coming then, if she didn’t need any help. She replied that she wanted the 1-1 therapy but couldn’t get that without coming to group.

My main problem with this is that it seems to me that I am the only person who accepts and understands the condition. It makes me wonder, why then, have I been put in a group with people who don’t? Would I not benefit from being around other people who are equally accepting? No one else seems to want to get better and increasingly, I am getting nothing from these sessions.

Which brings me to my last point; the therapists themselves. I think I have mentioned previously that I dislike one of the therapists and like the other. That said, I don’t believe either of them are very good at running this group. There is no structure, there is nothing to take away from it, there is no control. We sometimes just sit there in silence. I really don’t know what their role is in this. The questions that they ask are obvious. I suppose the crux of this is I don’t feel it is specialist at all. It could just be IAPT but on a group level. I want treatment that is specifically designed to tackle BPD. I don’t believe this is what I am getting. I feel short changed and majorly disillusioned.

Apologies for the negative and rambly nature of this post.

Until next time, over and out.